burning crosses

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 10:31:57 GMT

new journal.
speakingmanners

add me, or dont.
my writing is pretty repetitive?
im confident that will all change soon.

ps, i think i have the flu.
y u c k.

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 14:29:49 GMT

i feel the need to write what im feeling, and try to project it in a way that people will understand and i guess thats why i have this livejournal.
but you know what, im done doing that, and the people that i really single out in my life that i feel have made a significant difference all understand or at least i hope they do, and the fact that i remember them, and stay in touch with them, and keep them in my heart, i think thats the most important thing out of trying to make people who dont really give a shit or people who i dont really give a shit about try to understand what im trying to say.
shit and life and what people go through is such a constant change and its so easy to judge experiences. but thats what makes us human. what we go through, how we deal with it, and the character of our person in the end is ultimately all that matters. and i say that with the sincerest heart.
its exhausting trying to look at all the different perspectives there are.

and someone who understands you with little or no effort is a true friend indeed.

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 08:36:08 GMT

last night ruled.
i felt good. i had fun. and inevitably got trashed.

ive been so self conscious.
i always need reassurance.
im over all that.

im not normal, if youre into it, youre into it.
if youre not, then youre not.
it doesnt matter, its the way things are.
its ridiculous to worry about things that wont change.
all i can do is be who i am, do what i do, and forget about whatever bullshit that gets in the way of it.

if my insides existed.

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 13:22:54 GMT

i might write a dear you.

but instead, im hollowing myself out.

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 21:27:13 GMT

i am sick.
watched prince.
rules.
did my own nails.
turquoise, black, and gold.
im amazing.
fuck being sick.

this is not poetry.

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 09:14:43 GMT

the lack of involvement ive had with my appearance is getting to me.
my aunt gave me some boots that shes had for years.
i hope i wear them right.

i am going to the long beach hair show with my cousin tomorrow.
i think im getting sick. \
my upper back and shoulders are killllllllllling.
blowdrying+shampooing. dude.

my hair is giant, and im into it.

get out of my pores, im done sweating you.

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 23:33:40 GMT

i dont know what else to do,
i almost died.
and im exhausted.

i need to find a place that will do my nails right,
a quality place equal to or greater than the place i went to in florida.
i have had a basic french manicure for way too long.
and my hair is boring, it needs to grow. '''

if our hearts arent callous; we're insane,
fools living in a dreamworld; fantasy and fairytales
to drown reality and perception.
i wish mine was.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 05:18:53 GMT

IF I MISS PRINCE AT THE SUPERBOWL HALFTIME SHOW ON SUNDAY I WILL BE WAY BUMMED.

prince is seriously the man, and if you dont agree, i ask you to reconsider your bullshit confidence in your sexuality. because obviously theres a problem.

and FUCK football.

yes.

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 22:59:09 GMT

i hate waking up. and doing things

i like pretty things, i think i dwell on it way too often.
things that sparkle, catch my eye, and i ignore everything else.
i dont think its normal. just like its not normal to wake up and want to do nothing
but sit in front of a computer screen and take pictures of myself,
groggy and half awake, so i dont forget what i look like.
i am just trying to make sure i see things the way they are, and not in some
fucked up way ive been expecting them to be.
i wish situations were easier, that i could take pictures of them to analyze and pick apart.

is it wrong to be tired of reiterating your determination to a potential employer?
well, i am. but it doesnt mean i'll stop.

i think i should leave.
im as afraid of getting tired of you,
as the other way around.

why,

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 07:45:35 GMT

unquestionably apparent that things will not ever be clear,
but only in my eyes.

tuesday morning, 10am.
CHANGE, or from a highest hopes point of view,
revolution.

no matter how often i think about how to put feelings into words,
the reality of the situation is that i cant.
ill write until my face caves in, and you still wont know what im saying.
assumption is embarrassing.

so is vomit,
but im obsessed.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 03:45:31 GMT

i wish i hadnt deleted all my old journals.
i spent a good amount of time looking through old entries, and reading the journal i had before this one.
it all made sense, as embarassing as it was.
every entry was either about throwing up or hating everyone.
i cant believe i was so unhappy with myself.
i think that i still am, but to a lesser degree. its frightening.
to be so unhappy with how you feel about yourself.
the effect people have on me is enourmous.

a while ago i was watching a videotape that i had taken years ago before i left for florida.
there was some incredible bleeding kansas footage on there.
and there were also shots of people i cared about and looked up to.
i was pretty overwhelmed with emotion because i cant believe how stupid i used to be.
how blind i was to everything around me, and im ashamed i existed.
16 year olds can be pretty fucking stupid, and i know i was.
im not sure memory is proof, but it serves me decent.

which makes me thankful that im the person i am today. although not even close to where i wish i was, im pretty far from the person i was 3 or 4 years ago, significantly refreshing.

i still dont enjoy most peoples company, and i wish i had a solid reason for it.
the truth is i am bored by everything, and i think i have been all along, so i find ways around it, i live in my own world so to speak, and i ignore fact and reason.
in thanks to that, i am unbelievably lonely.
i talk to people in florida every once in a while and i just miss the shit out of it. no matter how many people i was around that i hated, the people i loved outweighed it.
i dont do anything, i sit in my house depressed and bored as shit, i try to read about things and dont find them interesting.
i go on the computer and get messages from people whos intentions i know all too well.
i dont feel like the same person. i feel like my life has changed. like i exchanged my thoughts and ideas for someone with insights opinions.
while its nice that i feel like my eyes are finally open, it is a truly shitty feeling that my eyes have been closed for so long.

that being said, i am fully aware, i am finally conscious, i know where i stand and i somewhat know what i want.
so when i read your texts, get your phonecalls, see your face, i feel mixed emotion. i am scared. i feel like i know what wont be good for me and what might be incredible. and the gauge of risk to take is skewed. i dont know what to do. i try to ignore everything. but feeling is not something i can easily ignore.
i wasted years in a relationship that was not good for me, because i chose to close my eyes. and while i feel like i can see, i also feel like i still cant fully trust my opinion on things.
i dont want to be stuck in something i hate, for the sake of not being alone.
i dont want to put any of myself into something that will take everything i give and spit it back in my face. i dont want to be embarassed at the way i feel. i dont want to feel less like a person because i am not acknowledged, and i dont want to feel like i am not aware of my surroundings and am being taken for a moron. whether or not this is cliche, its the way i fucking feel. and ive tried, but cant do a damn thing to change it.

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 11:56:18 GMT

if this doesnt tell you something.
ive run out of words.
but really, there were none to begin with.

fuck last night

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 03:18:06 GMT

its unfortunate that i am not interested in anything but aesthetics,
trying to look how i feel and see myself as,
and trying to see past what people look like.
not happening.
some things arent meant to change,
while some things are in constant motion.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 07:09:47 GMT

WHY DO I FEEL SO DRAINED

www.lovejournal.com/imaragingfaggot

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 10:59:32 GMT

ive unquit smoking.
and my playlist includes:
BLACK SABBATH
trina
mew
carcass
heavenly

fuck the world, you should all kill yourselves.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 08:37:08 GMT

well maybe there is a god above,
but all ive ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 12:28:18 GMT

BLAHBLAHBLAH
everything i write about is the same.
tidal waves suspended in mid air or frozen in time
dont seem very threatening.
words over words over words.
over words.
positive outlooks vs. negativity.
im losing.
i feel stuck.
occupation.
i have this book im reading and everytime i touch it,
i want to sleep.
wrap myself in blankets, close my eyes, and forget
that i exist.
how did i get here?
the world is changing, what will you become if you dont change with it?
a statue in a wax museum,
no longer a person,
an outer shell, for people to walk by and judge.
i have this letter i want to write,
but everytime i write down the name and a sentence
im overwhelmed.
its too much, really.
i dont think you'll understand, or maybe you will. too much,
then things will get weird? i hate when things are weird.
things are already weird.
but what if you dont understand, then things will be weirder.
i better not even write.
i hope youre doing well, never hearing what i have to say about things like
water and never understanding each other when
we're probably the same.
that is important.
nobody would get this, but thats ok.
i felt alive when i first got here. i see things changing and moving to shape
what my future will become and it looks promising but
ill repeat my favorite scenes on my favorite dvd
and pretend my life is more meaningful than it actually is.
inspire me,
its been too long.
im hopeful, but not.
im okay with never knowing, if knowing
ends up drowning me.

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 04:18:33 GMT

this is a cameraphone picture.

oh, hollywood.
so many. palm trees.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 01:08:25 GMT

i do things that completely contradict the way i feel.
but maybe, my actions are trying to tell me something my mind cant comprehend.

hopelessness helps assuage disappointment.
as in, romance.
fuck it if this doesnt make sense.

i like the direction my life has taken.
im actually happy.
often.

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 04:47:51 GMT

last night was rough.
justin flew from florida to vegas, then him and jason drove here.
apparently i literally passed out on the boston house's couch.
i drank very cheap whiskey and chased it with even cheaper wine.
and took something else.
how dangerous.
i dont remember anything.
or how i got home.
at least i didnt do anything more embarassing than that.
that i know of but i dont remember.
i woke up around 3, puked a lot and still feel like shit.
and ive been informed that "passed out" is an understatement.
cool.
and of course i have no idea where my plugs are.

ps, i got a job at a salon in bel air.
SO GOOD.

NO HOPE, NO HARM.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 07:56:39 GMT

im totally over being built up, and getting let down.
ive reduced my expectations, but not my standards.
its honestly not a big deal at all.
i just know im worth more than half assed attempts
at sincerity.

or

im fucking bored way too often;

role reversal = awesome

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 11:47:59 GMT

saw dr. octagon tonight:
that motherfucker, RULES.

photo from the other night,

ive had 2 interviews for a job so far.
and ive been here for 2 weeks.
i need to start getting paid for real.

everything rules.

i needed somewhat of a break from reading.

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 06:57:12 GMT

okay. im very sick today.
which means im feeling way shitty about myself.
reasons why;
holy shit my hair, seriously.
no make up. plus i look tired&sick.
ive been in pjs all day.
i could have done something minutely productive but i feel like
fucking garbage.

even though i totally dont feel good about myself because im sick,
and thats probably no reason to be bummed,
i feel like my perspective on other things is pretty accurate.

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 07:23:38 GMT

im so bored today.
i know. know. you can see a pig flying in this picture.

today was a good day.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 07:49:22 GMT

i get my anxiety from my mother.
i'd like to buy her a massage a month.
(Maybe more than that.)
she needs it.

i picked my little sister up from school. we went shopping.
successful. searched H&M.
ruled.
after raissa and i went shopping we picked her boyfriend up.
drove up beverly glen. passed mullholand.
freaked, out. fucking heights. god damn.
definitely not interested in heights.